Trinity

I just finished Leon Uris' Trinity a few days ago. What a story! All about the Catholics' fight for freedom from British oppression and Protestant bigotry in Ireland. At first I was loving it so much because it seemed to be "the other side" after I've read so much from the British/Industrialist/Capitalist point of view. But there's a courtroom scene (aren't they always the best?) where Conor is put on trial after a gunrunning blunder at Sixmilecross, and the British just make a complete farce of the hearing. Conor then, without the help of any counsel or resources whatsoever, uses English common law to show how English presence on Irish soil is unlawful. Awesome!

The more that I read and the more that I thought about it, the more similar I began to see not only Conor Larkin and Howard Roark, but Trinity and The Fountainhead overall. Extremely long, detailed epics, both tell the plight of a man who puts his virutes and values above anything and everything else in the world. Neither allow the world, nor a single individual in it, to compromise him or his values at any point for any thing. Both have a singular, virtuous, passionate affair. My favorite: both give incredible courtroom speeches that encompass and embody the heart of their respective novels. Both novels focus on scenarios which I was previously quite ignorant of and now greatly revere. Indeed, I now wish I would have visited Ireland during my tenure in Britain last summer, in precisely the same way I longed to have studied architecture more upon completion of The Fountainhead. I also now contemplate yet mildly fear reading another of this author's works. (Although I doubt this author has ever published anything near the calibre of Atlas Shrugged!)

Resume Here

One day shy of eight months since my last post! And am I ever worlds away from where I was then!

At the beginning of May, I woke up horribly nauseous, and had violent vomiting spells for a good six hours. And I've been nauseous ever since. I saw a doctor in SLO three times, who put me on a course of antibiotics (which did nothing), and ran a full gamut of blood tests, during the procurement of which I lost consciousness repeatedly due to my malnourishment and extreme dehydration, and eventually had to have an IV placed. Once those came back with still no answers, I returned to my hometown of Oxnard to see my regular physician. He gave me several medications. I felt slightly better once I started those, but have not gotten any better since. I have had another round of blood tests, as well as a CT scan of my abdomen, which have all come back normal. I'm now seeing a GI specialist and go in for an endoscopy on Tuesday. So hopefully then we'll be able to see what's going on!

But over these weeks of rest and attempted recovery, I've watched the second season of Showtime's The Tudors with my Mom, as well as restarted the entire series with my girlfriend and father. I'm still only a couple of episodes into the third season, but I am still utterly engrossed! I hope they continue it through the Tudor dyansty to Mary and Elizabeth, with five minutes for Edward VI and Lady Jane Grey of course.

I've also gotten into Leon Uris' Trinity yet again, and cannot put it down! It's becoming difficult to juggle the book, the Tudors, and the Dodgers everyday! But I would gladly take these days full of history, literature, and baseball, over the days of stress and anxiety I continually feel I endure up north.

There is also no doubt in my mind that the combination of the stress and anxiety, and my poor methods of dealing with them are what led directly to this illness I'm now dealing with. I cannot wait to get into our new apartment. I hope for next year to be 180 degrees apart from the past.

Walking Alongside the Curb...

...trying to keep more than just my feet in line. The brisk night air cuts like knives through my brown cotton shirt, letting me know I'm alive. Looking down, the curb has disappeared. I turn my eyes to the stars. With an empty hand, no one at my side, the shooting star is nothing but a memory, a hapchance, a line in a journal. Smoke trails off from the cathartic red light tip. Inside, I'm sure my phone is ringing - and I'm glad I left it behind. Out here my mind is as clear as the twilit sky. Inside lie the questions of classes, careers, years down the road; money, parents, and roommates; food, hygiene, and clutter; more questions every day, with still naught for answers. Out here it's one step at a time. Tomorrow will come in its course. For now I handle today. Tomorrow is a degree and a career. Today is one homework assignment.
Again with skyward eyes, I don't stress or worry about when each and every star will streak across the sky, what path it will take, or what will happen when all have fallen; I watch tonight's shooting star, tracing its path. I know it's gone, and I prepare for the next, amidst glances at all the other wonderous specks of the Milky Way.
Opening the door, I bring my starlit lesson inside. Tonight I don't worry about a career, graduation, or next quarter. I focus and complete my assignment, one problem - and one cup of tea - at a time.
Tomorrow will come in its course. Today I take one step at a time.

Back in the U.S.A.

I finally arrived by in San Luis Obispo last night, after visiting Oxnard, London, Windsor, Hampton Court, Oxford, Cambridge, Stonehenge, Bath, Paris, Rome, Florence, Pisa, Venice, Kentucky, and Las Vegas. It really was great to see everyone again last night; it was a blast. But I'm definitely longing for my traveling days already. Only three days removed, and I'm already missing them.
But I am looking forward to my next trip. I really want to visit Spain, Portugal, Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Victoria Falls, and Australia. There's also several cities in America I want to see now: Seattle, New York City, Chicago, Boston, San Francisco. So it's slightly uplifting to sort of mentally plan for those.

I just made myself a cup of tea. Just the aroma of it calms me - and reminds me of London.

As sad as I am to be back in America, this has been the summer of a lifetime. First to be able to live in England, take classes, and truly experience British culture in the city of London. Then to visit a country I never really desired to travel to - France - and love it! Then to backpack around Italy - a country I've dreamt of visiting my entire life - by myself! That was incredible; I cannot believe how much I learned about myself and matured just in those ten days alone. Then visiting my grandparents in Kentucky. Then having another family vacation - the first one in three years? - to Las Vegas. Pushing my dad around Vegas in a wheelchair was an experience in and of itself! The second day we were there, we saw The Beatles LOVE Cirque du Soleil show - absolutely, single-handedly, the greatest, most amazing, awe-inspriring show that I have EVER seen. Between London and Vegas, I saw twenty shows this summer, and that was by far the best. It was incredible. Last time my parents and I went to Vegas, we saw Phantom, which was amazing, and Blue Man Group, which was cool but not nearly as good. This time we saw LOVE, which was amazing, and Phantom again, which was still cool but not nearly as good. So I guess we'll have to go back to see LOVE again but precede it with some new amazing show, but I seriously doubt that ANY show could overshadow that.

So -- this summer has been epic. And I am quite down to have arrived at its conclusion. However, I'm going to try and see it not as a conclusion, but as a culmination. I've traveled the world, experienced new and different cultures, and seen things that people spend their lives dreaming of. Now it's time to digest all of it, glean what I can from it, forever cherish and remember it, and look to the future. Buckle down now for another round of classes; get the business done today so that tomorrow I can plan for what I want, where I want to go.
Today I will continue focusing on making myself into the person that I want to be, to make the best of the situation that I am in. Tomorrow I will revisit Europe. Who knows - perhaps relocate. No one knows what tomorrow shall bring.

Streetside Profundity

I haven't been writing much because I have been utterly consumed by the awe and wonder embodied amongst the streets of this great city. But I feel it's about time to try to put words, though inevitably inadequate, to this great, life-changing experience of mine.
Rather than starting at the beginning, I'll start with today - the Tower of London. Originally conceived of in 1066, it still inspires pride and fear in all who gaze upon it. Many monuments around the world fail to meet the expectations and reputation they gather; it is utterly impossible for me to convey even a fraction of the incredulity inherent upon encountering the Tower. The Tower of London began as a single tower - the White Tower - defended by a pair of defensive walls. Today - it consists of twenty different towers, the most famous of which is, of course, the Bloody Tower. More than 1500 headless corpses have been uncovered there. I could go on and on about the public and private execution grounds, the Tower Green, the Traitor's Gate, the archway where King Henry VIII proposed to Anne Boleyn, and the thirty-five resident Yeoman Warders, but I shall refrain.
Also scattered about the grounds of the Tower, are remnants of the wall which once surrounded the Roman colony of Londinium, some 2000 years ago. Walking around, touching the 2000-year-old Roman walls, the 1000-year-old White Tower and South Wall along the banks of the Thames, the emotions are wholly overwhelming. You can truly feel the history all around you.

I will attempt to archive some more of my amazing experiences thusfar later this evening...

Dilemma / Conundrum

It's quite appropriate that I could not even decide on a title for this post. I'm sitting at my MacBook; I'm supposed to be writing my final paper for English 253. And I just have too many multitudes of thoughts swirling around in my overly-analytical mind to get anywhere beyond the opening line. From Paul Simon's newest album, to Rascal Flatts in iTunes; from the approach of summer, to wistful longings for a moment just out of reach; from the book I'm in the middle of, to all the new books I just got...there is just altogether too much swirling around right now to focus on any single thing.
This is the kind of day that I would lounge around, listen to part of Surprise (Paul Simon's latest), go read a few chapter of Ender's Game (the book I'm currently engrossed in) in the backyard, ride my cruiser down to BK for a Double Stacker, hop on Facebook for a bit, call the parentals to say "hello," do my laundry, catalog my new books and LPs, and throw on MirrorMask (a Neil Gaiman fantasy flick). All on this gorgeous day in sunny SLO-town.
Instead, I'm forced to stare at this daunting, flickering cursor for hours on end, scouring Heart of Darkness and Apocalypse Now for some connection, all to no avail. All to result in nothing but more extreme pensiveness, contemplation, and inner turmoil than I started with, because of the lack of outlet for any one of these desires or thoughts.
I'm writing this in the hope that by the time that I'm through, at least vocalizing (or blogging) all of these mental conundrums and dilemmas will calm the demons currently consuming my mind, body, and soul.
How appropriate: a fly is buzzing around my head distracting me from this post about distraction from my paper about renegades on the loose, not listening to any sort of authority.
I'm having more and more trouble balancing what I want today against what I want tomorrow.
Today, I want to listen to my vinyls, read my books, and converse with those closest to me. Tomorrow, I want a good GPA.
Today, I want to lounge around and relax. Tomorrow, I want to have accomplished something.

Despite the continued lack of outlet, my demons are at least somewhat suppressed, at the moment.

And the fly returns...

The Choice

The vinyl spins as the neurons fire.
The choice on the table: to keep moseying along the melancholy path to becoming a fully functioning cog in the societal machine, or to turn and sprint down the ever-exhilarating path of Life. Towards a Life spent in Love. A Life spent discussing literature. A Life spent experiencing music. A Life spent savoring the eternal moment, the eternity of the moment.
Or a life spent behind the masquerade of cog turning. A cycle of doing whatever it takes to get that promotion. A cycle of waiting to see who gets voted off the island next. A cycle of always needing more. A cycle of never enough. A cycle going around and around and around. A cycle of the same shit day in, day out. A cycle focused on emptiness.
That’s the choice on the table. That’s the crossroads that I’m standing at.
Welcome to my days, my dilemmas, my decisions.
Amid this choice, the table is cluttered with a physics textbook, a Mac Book, three notebooks, required readings for English 253, and a red Gatorade.
Amid this choice, my mind is cluttered with subsistence, grades, romance, and roommates.

Lifesong

Prologue

Settling in,
I’m remembering the norm
I’m returning to the state
I’ve made for myself.

A state formed from years of trial and error.
From Objectivism to loneliness,
From Christianity to cloister,
From Love to letdown,
I’ve formed a new place
I’ve found my new niche.

From the Bible to textbooks to literature,
From Lutheran to public to state,
From Sunday School to band to society,
From insecurity to arrogance, (I’ve found no difference)
I’ve settled into confidence.

With this confidence,
I steady my pen,
And spill all.

- 1 -

To strive for the highest
In myself and all I do
To love others and nurture
The bond we all share.

To myself remain true
To others remain caring
To always seek knowledge
And treasure the profound.

To appreciate art
In all of its forms
To savor every moment
In knowledge of yesterday and hope of tomorrow.

To persevere in personal endeavors
And never say no to the opportunity at hand.

To keep reason in my heart
And bar no holds
To keep love on my mind
With unending hope.

To always, forever,
Continue this song,
My Lifesong.

- 2 -

From seeking acceptance and friendship
To desperately wanting to not need it
To being happy right where I am.

From CDs to homework
To smoking and drinking
I’ve always offered something
For a second of imitated friendship.
I now look for nothing
But conversation and intellect.

The rejection of face-value
The refusal of second-handed opinions
Present to me the object
Give me the experience
And for myself I shall develop
My own conclusive thoughts.
If we agree, then dandy.
If not, then deal.

- 3 -

From Fogerty to Smash Mouth
Blink-182 to Dashboard
New Found Glory and the Ataris
I now lyricize through
Cat Stevens and Paul Simon.
Journey had a glimmer on this musical sojourn
Shining with Rise Against
Fading with Foreigner.

- 4 -

From a truth-or-dare first kiss
To the yet undone revocation of a mistake
To today’s eventual relaxation.

From a second-hand absolute of Righteousness and sin
To a disbelief in the existence of “right” and “wrong”
To today’s belief in Love.

From Yesterday
To Today
From what was
To what is and what will be.

- 5 -

This is my Lifesong,
The statement of my philosophy,
The encapsulation of my experiences.

Lyricism and profundity
Materialize not only in intellect
But in nostalgia, reminiscence, and mundanity.

Egoism of Baseball

"Baseball is great partially because it's the only sport where, on the field, every single player can be completely greedy and do what maximizes his personal value on every single play and it's still to the team's best interest. Every other sport is a zero-sum game, where every shot you take is one your teammate doesn't. In baseball every hit you get provides another opportunity. There's no clock besides individual failure. If Ayn Rand and Adam Smith fucked, she'd give birth to a baseball."
-from Playboy

Heaven Forbid

I had a couple of serious relationships in high school. I've dated a few girls here at college. I've had my share of experiences. I continue to meet new girls, talk to them, pursue them. Some work out briefly. Most never become anything at all.

Every one of my roommates is in a serious relationship. My best friend is in a serious relationship. Almost every single one of my friends and even acquaintances are in relationships. Most of them run their course within a few months. Some hang on for a couple of years. They all end.

My parents have been married for twenty-four years. My grandparents have been married for almost sixty years.

I haven't had a real, sane relationship for about three and a half years now. I haven't felt that special something for that special someone since that relationship. The more time that passes, the more that I ask girls on dates, go out of my way to talk to girls, and generally just play the game. And the more time that passes, the less hope that I have that any of them will ever become anything at all.

The more time that passes, the more terrified I am that I am going to end up alone.

Sure, I'll have a job. Sure, I'll have my family. Sure, I'll have coworkers. And sure, I'll have Annalisa. But the more time that passes, the more that I think I'm going to need to get used to that. The more I think that this is as good as it gets.


Don't get me wrong, I am happy where I am in life. I'm enjoying my major, looking forward to declaring a new one in the fall. I'm enjoying my fraternity slightly more. I continue to discover out-of-this-world music from the past forty to fifty years. I continue to broaden my mind through literature.

But I'm still lonely.

Absolutely every single one of my friends is in a relationship. And I'm lonely.

The more that I see couples, the more that I pursue girls, the more that I develop as an individual, the more that I believe I will end up alone.

Please don't misinterpret this as some call for help or pity. That is grossly far from the objective herein. This is an exposition of my current thoughts, after watching "The Last Kiss."

As the Fray so eloquently puts it:

"It's on your face, is it on your mind.
Would you care to build a house of your own?
How much longer, how long can you wait?
It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and you don't know why.
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright."

I'm tired of waiting for tomorrow...