Lifesong

Prologue

Settling in,
I’m remembering the norm
I’m returning to the state
I’ve made for myself.

A state formed from years of trial and error.
From Objectivism to loneliness,
From Christianity to cloister,
From Love to letdown,
I’ve formed a new place
I’ve found my new niche.

From the Bible to textbooks to literature,
From Lutheran to public to state,
From Sunday School to band to society,
From insecurity to arrogance, (I’ve found no difference)
I’ve settled into confidence.

With this confidence,
I steady my pen,
And spill all.

- 1 -

To strive for the highest
In myself and all I do
To love others and nurture
The bond we all share.

To myself remain true
To others remain caring
To always seek knowledge
And treasure the profound.

To appreciate art
In all of its forms
To savor every moment
In knowledge of yesterday and hope of tomorrow.

To persevere in personal endeavors
And never say no to the opportunity at hand.

To keep reason in my heart
And bar no holds
To keep love on my mind
With unending hope.

To always, forever,
Continue this song,
My Lifesong.

- 2 -

From seeking acceptance and friendship
To desperately wanting to not need it
To being happy right where I am.

From CDs to homework
To smoking and drinking
I’ve always offered something
For a second of imitated friendship.
I now look for nothing
But conversation and intellect.

The rejection of face-value
The refusal of second-handed opinions
Present to me the object
Give me the experience
And for myself I shall develop
My own conclusive thoughts.
If we agree, then dandy.
If not, then deal.

- 3 -

From Fogerty to Smash Mouth
Blink-182 to Dashboard
New Found Glory and the Ataris
I now lyricize through
Cat Stevens and Paul Simon.
Journey had a glimmer on this musical sojourn
Shining with Rise Against
Fading with Foreigner.

- 4 -

From a truth-or-dare first kiss
To the yet undone revocation of a mistake
To today’s eventual relaxation.

From a second-hand absolute of Righteousness and sin
To a disbelief in the existence of “right” and “wrong”
To today’s belief in Love.

From Yesterday
To Today
From what was
To what is and what will be.

- 5 -

This is my Lifesong,
The statement of my philosophy,
The encapsulation of my experiences.

Lyricism and profundity
Materialize not only in intellect
But in nostalgia, reminiscence, and mundanity.

Egoism of Baseball

"Baseball is great partially because it's the only sport where, on the field, every single player can be completely greedy and do what maximizes his personal value on every single play and it's still to the team's best interest. Every other sport is a zero-sum game, where every shot you take is one your teammate doesn't. In baseball every hit you get provides another opportunity. There's no clock besides individual failure. If Ayn Rand and Adam Smith fucked, she'd give birth to a baseball."
-from Playboy

Heaven Forbid

I had a couple of serious relationships in high school. I've dated a few girls here at college. I've had my share of experiences. I continue to meet new girls, talk to them, pursue them. Some work out briefly. Most never become anything at all.

Every one of my roommates is in a serious relationship. My best friend is in a serious relationship. Almost every single one of my friends and even acquaintances are in relationships. Most of them run their course within a few months. Some hang on for a couple of years. They all end.

My parents have been married for twenty-four years. My grandparents have been married for almost sixty years.

I haven't had a real, sane relationship for about three and a half years now. I haven't felt that special something for that special someone since that relationship. The more time that passes, the more that I ask girls on dates, go out of my way to talk to girls, and generally just play the game. And the more time that passes, the less hope that I have that any of them will ever become anything at all.

The more time that passes, the more terrified I am that I am going to end up alone.

Sure, I'll have a job. Sure, I'll have my family. Sure, I'll have coworkers. And sure, I'll have Annalisa. But the more time that passes, the more that I think I'm going to need to get used to that. The more I think that this is as good as it gets.


Don't get me wrong, I am happy where I am in life. I'm enjoying my major, looking forward to declaring a new one in the fall. I'm enjoying my fraternity slightly more. I continue to discover out-of-this-world music from the past forty to fifty years. I continue to broaden my mind through literature.

But I'm still lonely.

Absolutely every single one of my friends is in a relationship. And I'm lonely.

The more that I see couples, the more that I pursue girls, the more that I develop as an individual, the more that I believe I will end up alone.

Please don't misinterpret this as some call for help or pity. That is grossly far from the objective herein. This is an exposition of my current thoughts, after watching "The Last Kiss."

As the Fray so eloquently puts it:

"It's on your face, is it on your mind.
Would you care to build a house of your own?
How much longer, how long can you wait?
It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and you don't know why.
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright."

I'm tired of waiting for tomorrow...

[untitled] - Chapter Seven

This is an excerpt from my first novella.

* * * * *

I’m seven years old. I’m sitting in Dodger Stadium with my dad. I’m watching baseball, eating a hot dog, and learning life lessons. Sitting there, in those orange plastic seats, I have no idea that these lessons, Dad’s recitations that were already ingrained in my memory, will come to shape who I become am as a person, and ultimately help me through the toughest times of my life.
“What’s the Number One Rule, son?”
“Be a good person.”
“That’s right. Now, watch the game.”
Anytime I thank him, he responds the same way: “That’s my job.”
I learn more about life between those innings than any textbook or professor could begin to teach. I learn how to follow the Number One Rule. I learn what being a good father is all about. I learn that being a good husband means bringing home stadium popcorn, feigning a good mood with your wife even if your team loses, and understanding her lack of enthusiasm for the greatest game in the world. I learn that your dad is your best friend. I learn that believing in something bigger than yourself, like a baseball team, is good for the soul. I learn that sometimes it’s good to care about something you have no control over whatsoever. I learn that taking risks pays off. I learn that even if you fail seven out of ten times, you can still be a success. I learn that through it all, Dad will always be there.
The most important thing I learn within the confines of Chavez Ravine is something I tell myself every day: “If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.”
Never have I felt the power of that lesson more than now. And never has it been harder to accept.
I’m anxiously awaiting the start of the new season, hoping for more insight.

Shore Dreams

Thoughts all fraught with anxiety
And I feel like I am lost.
I don't know how to stand
in this world of turns.

These thoughts all slip behind me
I cover them with visions of
what might come tomorrow.

I know where I want to go
But I see no path to get there.

Society sits beside me
And it blocks my feet from driving
anywhere but farther into the sand.

The sand is soft and it could comfort.
But it's the island that I want.
My eyes are set straight out there -
Never to diverge.

I'll find a way,
I will make a path.

My Five

If you had to make a CD with only five songs on it, and it was all you could listen to for the rest of your life, what would those five songs be?

1. "I Am A Rock" -Simon & Garfunkel
2. "Winter" -The Rolling Stones
3. "Father and Son" -Cat Stevens
4. "Eleanor Rigby" -David Cook
5. "Let It Be" -The Beatles

Those are my five. What would your five be?