Dilemma / Conundrum

It's quite appropriate that I could not even decide on a title for this post. I'm sitting at my MacBook; I'm supposed to be writing my final paper for English 253. And I just have too many multitudes of thoughts swirling around in my overly-analytical mind to get anywhere beyond the opening line. From Paul Simon's newest album, to Rascal Flatts in iTunes; from the approach of summer, to wistful longings for a moment just out of reach; from the book I'm in the middle of, to all the new books I just got...there is just altogether too much swirling around right now to focus on any single thing.
This is the kind of day that I would lounge around, listen to part of Surprise (Paul Simon's latest), go read a few chapter of Ender's Game (the book I'm currently engrossed in) in the backyard, ride my cruiser down to BK for a Double Stacker, hop on Facebook for a bit, call the parentals to say "hello," do my laundry, catalog my new books and LPs, and throw on MirrorMask (a Neil Gaiman fantasy flick). All on this gorgeous day in sunny SLO-town.
Instead, I'm forced to stare at this daunting, flickering cursor for hours on end, scouring Heart of Darkness and Apocalypse Now for some connection, all to no avail. All to result in nothing but more extreme pensiveness, contemplation, and inner turmoil than I started with, because of the lack of outlet for any one of these desires or thoughts.
I'm writing this in the hope that by the time that I'm through, at least vocalizing (or blogging) all of these mental conundrums and dilemmas will calm the demons currently consuming my mind, body, and soul.
How appropriate: a fly is buzzing around my head distracting me from this post about distraction from my paper about renegades on the loose, not listening to any sort of authority.
I'm having more and more trouble balancing what I want today against what I want tomorrow.
Today, I want to listen to my vinyls, read my books, and converse with those closest to me. Tomorrow, I want a good GPA.
Today, I want to lounge around and relax. Tomorrow, I want to have accomplished something.

Despite the continued lack of outlet, my demons are at least somewhat suppressed, at the moment.

And the fly returns...

Heaven Forbid

I had a couple of serious relationships in high school. I've dated a few girls here at college. I've had my share of experiences. I continue to meet new girls, talk to them, pursue them. Some work out briefly. Most never become anything at all.

Every one of my roommates is in a serious relationship. My best friend is in a serious relationship. Almost every single one of my friends and even acquaintances are in relationships. Most of them run their course within a few months. Some hang on for a couple of years. They all end.

My parents have been married for twenty-four years. My grandparents have been married for almost sixty years.

I haven't had a real, sane relationship for about three and a half years now. I haven't felt that special something for that special someone since that relationship. The more time that passes, the more that I ask girls on dates, go out of my way to talk to girls, and generally just play the game. And the more time that passes, the less hope that I have that any of them will ever become anything at all.

The more time that passes, the more terrified I am that I am going to end up alone.

Sure, I'll have a job. Sure, I'll have my family. Sure, I'll have coworkers. And sure, I'll have Annalisa. But the more time that passes, the more that I think I'm going to need to get used to that. The more I think that this is as good as it gets.


Don't get me wrong, I am happy where I am in life. I'm enjoying my major, looking forward to declaring a new one in the fall. I'm enjoying my fraternity slightly more. I continue to discover out-of-this-world music from the past forty to fifty years. I continue to broaden my mind through literature.

But I'm still lonely.

Absolutely every single one of my friends is in a relationship. And I'm lonely.

The more that I see couples, the more that I pursue girls, the more that I develop as an individual, the more that I believe I will end up alone.

Please don't misinterpret this as some call for help or pity. That is grossly far from the objective herein. This is an exposition of my current thoughts, after watching "The Last Kiss."

As the Fray so eloquently puts it:

"It's on your face, is it on your mind.
Would you care to build a house of your own?
How much longer, how long can you wait?
It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and you don't know why.
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright."

I'm tired of waiting for tomorrow...