Father and Son

It's not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I am happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It's always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.

* * *

I've never heard someone else speaking to me through another medium, as much as I hear my Father speaking to me through that song. I was sitting here thinking of the moments in my life when I truly feel Alive. Those moments when I'm having a conversation with someone else about music, about literature, about society, about Love, about intellect, about life. This inevitably led me to realize what a small percentage of my life those moments constitute. I absolutely hate those other moments. Particularly because I have lately been feeling more and more that not only am I not using those moments to Live, but those moments are detracting from Living. It's not just that those moments are not spent Living; it's that those moments are spent Not Living. For every step I'm taking in Life, I'm taking three in this Non-Life.

Just when these thoughts were consuming me, the song "Father and Son" came on the Cat Stevens record I'm listening to. I could feel my Dad telling me that he was once like I am now; that he knows that it's not easy. I hear him telling me to take it easy; just relax. He says "Look at me, I am old, but I am happy." I still can't believe that my Dad has maneuvered through the obstacles, and steered his life to end up where he is today: in a beautiful house, with a wife who loves him more than life, with a bunch of animals that think he's a god. Then I remember the son he has, and realize that all things come with a price.

But all of the moments of Non-Life, all the moments spent studying Calculus, paying taxes, working retail, and taking out the trash, are worth the moments of Living, no matter how few and far between.

My Past, My Path

The whole concept of not only bringing another human being into this entropic world, but guiding them through their development and, indeed, choosing the paths that they take on their way to their place in the societal sphere, is one that I have given a lot of thought to. In doing so, I inevitably end up looking back over my own childhood, and how I was led through it. No matter the event, no matter the decision, there will always be "what if"s and "I wonder"s. But I really don't think that I could have possibly had a better upbringing in any aspect.

The first 13 years of my life instilled in me a deep moral code, founded ultimately on a Christian foundation. I attended a private Lutheran school from preschool through eighth grade that only had 200 kids in the entire school. In those ten years of schooling, I got straight A's in every single class (except one B+ in Fourth Grade). I had about as many friends as I did B+'s. I was very sheltered. Many people would pity that; I love it. Rather than exploring social situations and all of the exciting hot spots around Oxnard (i.e. polluted beaches and strawberry fields that aren't forever), I explored the infinite depths of my mind. This was when my incessant, intense critique and analysis of absolutely everything I encountered began. (It's only gotten "worse.")

Throughout those ten years, I was also unceasingly ridiculed, for everything from being smart, to being a teacher's pet; from having a huge noggin, to being two feet shorter than everyone else in my class. Again, I love that this happened. This was the origin of my strife for complete independence (which got a bit out of hand in my Objectivist phase, but that's beside the point, kind of). And when I say independence, I mean it in every sense, but especially in the sense of making decisions truly apart from the concern of any others and any others' opinions.

From that cloistered environment, I moved on to a 3,500 person public high school. It was a bit of an adjustment. I still credit it as the beginning of my experimenting. Social experimentation, spiritual experimentation, scholastic experimentation, literary experimentation, etc. Essentially, I refuse to take anything at face value. Tell me, and I won't listen. Show me, and I'll understand. This experimentation began with having non-Christian friends, and has progressed to wholly embracing and enacting new life visions and philosophies. Today, I do maintain reason and judgment, but there is not much that I would refuse to try at least once. I want to know, analyze, and evaluate absolutely everything for myself. I believe that this passion runs so much stronger in myself than others mostly because of my extremely limited scope of the world for the first 13 years of my life. As soon as I realized that my scope was limited, I have endeavored to do all I can to ensure that my judgment, experiences, and, indeed, my very thoughts are not limited from any thing in any way. I am still seeking to broach the limits of some aspects.

In summation, I believe that my upbringing gave me the most unique and advantageous of standpoints in life. The first half(-ish) began my inner contemplations and drive for individuality and independence. The second half has allowed me to contemplate all and establish that individuality and independence in whatever way I see fit.

Every bit of this upbringing, which I have here praised, I credit to no one but my parents. They have sacrificed more than I could ever know. They instilled a sense of right and wrong in me early on. They continue to support my experimentation throughout this world. They have led me to where I am today, and I quite like where I'm standing right now.

So, Mom and Dad: Thanks.