Father and Son

It's not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I am happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It's always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.

* * *

I've never heard someone else speaking to me through another medium, as much as I hear my Father speaking to me through that song. I was sitting here thinking of the moments in my life when I truly feel Alive. Those moments when I'm having a conversation with someone else about music, about literature, about society, about Love, about intellect, about life. This inevitably led me to realize what a small percentage of my life those moments constitute. I absolutely hate those other moments. Particularly because I have lately been feeling more and more that not only am I not using those moments to Live, but those moments are detracting from Living. It's not just that those moments are not spent Living; it's that those moments are spent Not Living. For every step I'm taking in Life, I'm taking three in this Non-Life.

Just when these thoughts were consuming me, the song "Father and Son" came on the Cat Stevens record I'm listening to. I could feel my Dad telling me that he was once like I am now; that he knows that it's not easy. I hear him telling me to take it easy; just relax. He says "Look at me, I am old, but I am happy." I still can't believe that my Dad has maneuvered through the obstacles, and steered his life to end up where he is today: in a beautiful house, with a wife who loves him more than life, with a bunch of animals that think he's a god. Then I remember the son he has, and realize that all things come with a price.

But all of the moments of Non-Life, all the moments spent studying Calculus, paying taxes, working retail, and taking out the trash, are worth the moments of Living, no matter how few and far between.

Time to Pretend

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

* * *

I have a five-page paper to write for English, a huge Physics assignment to do, and a midterm in Circuit Analysis tomorrow at 9AM. So, needless to say, my mind is anywhere but in those subjects. So I figured I'd spill a few thoughts that popped into my mind while sitting downtown with Kelsey this afternoon.

We were sitting outside of Pizza Solo and there was a homeless lady sitting on a bench across the way talking to everyone that passed by. I'm fascinated by the fact that clearly the stories of our two lives are drastically different, yet they both put us in the exact same place at the exact same time. I also find myself questioning the validity of the judgment of insanity that is so nonchalantly passed on such people. Why are people so quick to believe that something is wrong with her mind? Why is it so easy for us to say that "clearly she has a screw loose"? What if her mind has been opened to things that we can't even imagine living within the confines of society and American culture? What if, being removed from this Capitalist machine, she has come to some revelation that has put her at ease? What if?
And why are people, by default, nervous, if not terrified, around homeless people? What are people so afraid of with this person who's wholly satisfied with subsistence? We spend our entire lives around people scrounging for every penny they can muster, desperately grappling for the next rung on the societal, economic, vocational, or social ladder, yet when we see someone just happy to get by, we freak out. Not quite logical to me...

Another tidbit that just boggles my mind, is that we come into contact with so many people every single day who lead completely separate lives, have completely separate stories from us, have a completely unique set of problems and worries. We come into contact with these people every single day, yet with never a care to their stories or problems. We're quick to call that guy that cut us off on the freeway an asshole, but have you ever wondered where he's rushing to? Have you ever wondered if there's some incredible story behind where someone got the shirt, watch, or shoes that they're wearing? I'm just fascinated that we come into such close contact and involvement with so many people, yet are completely oblivious as to their stories, situations, and lives, in general.

Another thing that's been on my mind of late, is the whole concept of "having" to do something. Day in, day out, people talk about how they "have to do this" and they "have to do that." Since when was individual choice taken out of any single occurrence? When did this biotechnological leap occur in which someone could enter your mind and force you to do something? YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. Absolutely every single thing that you say and do is a personal choice on your part. No matter how much control you feel that you have over the matter, you make the mental decision to carry out the action, to speak those words. So never for a moment, think that you have ever done anything outside of your own volition.

You always have a choice. Indeed, that's all you ever have. Every action, every word, every instant, is a choice. Your life, your self, is the culmination of your decisions.

My Past, My Path

The whole concept of not only bringing another human being into this entropic world, but guiding them through their development and, indeed, choosing the paths that they take on their way to their place in the societal sphere, is one that I have given a lot of thought to. In doing so, I inevitably end up looking back over my own childhood, and how I was led through it. No matter the event, no matter the decision, there will always be "what if"s and "I wonder"s. But I really don't think that I could have possibly had a better upbringing in any aspect.

The first 13 years of my life instilled in me a deep moral code, founded ultimately on a Christian foundation. I attended a private Lutheran school from preschool through eighth grade that only had 200 kids in the entire school. In those ten years of schooling, I got straight A's in every single class (except one B+ in Fourth Grade). I had about as many friends as I did B+'s. I was very sheltered. Many people would pity that; I love it. Rather than exploring social situations and all of the exciting hot spots around Oxnard (i.e. polluted beaches and strawberry fields that aren't forever), I explored the infinite depths of my mind. This was when my incessant, intense critique and analysis of absolutely everything I encountered began. (It's only gotten "worse.")

Throughout those ten years, I was also unceasingly ridiculed, for everything from being smart, to being a teacher's pet; from having a huge noggin, to being two feet shorter than everyone else in my class. Again, I love that this happened. This was the origin of my strife for complete independence (which got a bit out of hand in my Objectivist phase, but that's beside the point, kind of). And when I say independence, I mean it in every sense, but especially in the sense of making decisions truly apart from the concern of any others and any others' opinions.

From that cloistered environment, I moved on to a 3,500 person public high school. It was a bit of an adjustment. I still credit it as the beginning of my experimenting. Social experimentation, spiritual experimentation, scholastic experimentation, literary experimentation, etc. Essentially, I refuse to take anything at face value. Tell me, and I won't listen. Show me, and I'll understand. This experimentation began with having non-Christian friends, and has progressed to wholly embracing and enacting new life visions and philosophies. Today, I do maintain reason and judgment, but there is not much that I would refuse to try at least once. I want to know, analyze, and evaluate absolutely everything for myself. I believe that this passion runs so much stronger in myself than others mostly because of my extremely limited scope of the world for the first 13 years of my life. As soon as I realized that my scope was limited, I have endeavored to do all I can to ensure that my judgment, experiences, and, indeed, my very thoughts are not limited from any thing in any way. I am still seeking to broach the limits of some aspects.

In summation, I believe that my upbringing gave me the most unique and advantageous of standpoints in life. The first half(-ish) began my inner contemplations and drive for individuality and independence. The second half has allowed me to contemplate all and establish that individuality and independence in whatever way I see fit.

Every bit of this upbringing, which I have here praised, I credit to no one but my parents. They have sacrificed more than I could ever know. They instilled a sense of right and wrong in me early on. They continue to support my experimentation throughout this world. They have led me to where I am today, and I quite like where I'm standing right now.

So, Mom and Dad: Thanks.

The Death of Andrew Carrillo

So many books left to experience
So many thoughts left to share
So many people left to connect with
So many moments.

The moments when you feel the connection
The moments when you know Love
The moments when you are an Island
The moments when you jump ship.

Life is where you swim.
To friends, mindsets, or baseball
To literature, music, or film
To a stranger
To Mom
To You.

Life is driving
Windows down, music up
Heading into unknown.

Turn your eyes from the horizon
Stray from the shoulders of others.

Don't slow down
Don't speed up.
There is no destination.
Life is on the road.

Recently Applicable Quotations

I've run across (and here compiled) a few lines which feel especially relevant to my current situation and philosophy, in various respects. Enjoy.

"I had as well be killed running as die standing." -Frederick Douglass

"I think I'm afraid to be happy. Whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens." -Charlie Brown

"We're all addicted to something." -Tilda Swinton in Thumbsucker

"Don't fool yourself into thinking you've got the answer. The trick is living without an answer." -Keanu Reaves in Thumbsucker

Looking for America

I just got Bookends in the mail. Sitting here, listening to it, three things come to mind: the genius of Paul Simon, the oddity of Art Garfunkel, and the novelty of vinyl.

There is something about Paul Simon's lyrical genius, that speaks to me like no other music ever has, nor, I believe, like any other music can. After even the roughest of days, come home, close the door, turn out the lights, and listen to Sounds of Silence from beginning to end. When the last chord of "I Am A Rock" fades away, knowing that "an island never cries," I dare you to say that the world is not an inherently good place. I dare you to think that whatever you're going through, cannot be gotten through. I dare you to not be calm, serene, and hopeful.
I dare you.

The line between genius and insanity is often thin, blurred, and some times, if not most, all but nonexistent. But if there was ever an individual to ride the line between profundity and mere oddity, that individual is Art Garfunkel. Many would readily state that Garfunkel has ridden and continues to ride on Paul Simon's coattails of brilliance; however, he has had some solo adventures. Take for example, while I'm listening to Bookends, "Voices of Old People." The album cover states that "Art Garfunkel recorded old people in various locations in New York and Los Angeles over a period of several months." Now let's think... Hm...I want to find some people, get some interesting words of wisdom out of them, and record those words. What sorts of people should I talk to? Philosophers? Nah... Homeless people? No, thanks... Musicians? Nope... Authors? Literally, no... I've got it! Let's record bits of vocal mumbo jumbo from fogies which border on senility! That's it! But we'll edit out the babble and just get those words of wisdom. On second thought, let's do the opposite! Who needs words of wisdom? Wisdom is in the babble.
Ok, I exaggerate. But when I saw the track, I had hopes. But, Art, I was disappointed. There are snippets of wisdom in there, but they are short.

In this, the Age of the iPod, we can be serenaded by whatever high school dropouts have uploaded their angst-filled tunes. Not only that, but you can be plugged in while exercising, studying, driving, sitting in a lecture, or conversing with another.
When did music become a background occupier? When did music become something you do while you're doing something else? A second thought? Something to drive out the silence? Something to keep our goldfish-esque attention spans occupied?
When is the last time you sat down and listened to music? I'm not talking about going to a concert. And I'm not even talking about the last time you had music playing without doing anything else. I'm asking you when the last time was that you sat down, and the sole occupant of your mind at that time, was the music. You sit back, close your eyes, and let the chords, verses, melodies, and choruses coarse through you. Flow around your heart. Surge through your mind. Fill your emotions. Guide your thoughts.
That is when you stop listening to music, and begin experiencing music.

I'm willing to bet two things. First, that if you've ever truly done that, it's been quite awhile. Second, it was with an LP.

Vinyl is the only way, outside of live performances, to experience music.

What are you going to do?

I absolutely despise when people say, regarding my major, or whatever "Oh, what are you gonna do with that?" Why does it have to be about what I'm going to do? Why must every moment always be spent desperately deciphering the next? Why can't this moment be solely for its own sake?

Let it be.

What if, rather than what I'm going to do, it's about who I'm going to become in the process? For the enjoyment not only of what I'm going to learn, but for the enjoyment of the act of learning it. Discussing it. Ceaselessly stretching my mind in new ways.

Sure, it's "necessary" to have a path and some idea of where you're going in life. But it is not about what you do. As Max says in Across the Universe, "Who you are defines what you do."

What if I choose classes based not on my career, but on those classes themselves?

What if I actually devote this moment to its own cause?

What would the world be like if people stopped incessantly looking to the future, and lived for today?

Imagine.