Lifesong

Prologue

Settling in,
I’m remembering the norm
I’m returning to the state
I’ve made for myself.

A state formed from years of trial and error.
From Objectivism to loneliness,
From Christianity to cloister,
From Love to letdown,
I’ve formed a new place
I’ve found my new niche.

From the Bible to textbooks to literature,
From Lutheran to public to state,
From Sunday School to band to society,
From insecurity to arrogance, (I’ve found no difference)
I’ve settled into confidence.

With this confidence,
I steady my pen,
And spill all.

- 1 -

To strive for the highest
In myself and all I do
To love others and nurture
The bond we all share.

To myself remain true
To others remain caring
To always seek knowledge
And treasure the profound.

To appreciate art
In all of its forms
To savor every moment
In knowledge of yesterday and hope of tomorrow.

To persevere in personal endeavors
And never say no to the opportunity at hand.

To keep reason in my heart
And bar no holds
To keep love on my mind
With unending hope.

To always, forever,
Continue this song,
My Lifesong.

- 2 -

From seeking acceptance and friendship
To desperately wanting to not need it
To being happy right where I am.

From CDs to homework
To smoking and drinking
I’ve always offered something
For a second of imitated friendship.
I now look for nothing
But conversation and intellect.

The rejection of face-value
The refusal of second-handed opinions
Present to me the object
Give me the experience
And for myself I shall develop
My own conclusive thoughts.
If we agree, then dandy.
If not, then deal.

- 3 -

From Fogerty to Smash Mouth
Blink-182 to Dashboard
New Found Glory and the Ataris
I now lyricize through
Cat Stevens and Paul Simon.
Journey had a glimmer on this musical sojourn
Shining with Rise Against
Fading with Foreigner.

- 4 -

From a truth-or-dare first kiss
To the yet undone revocation of a mistake
To today’s eventual relaxation.

From a second-hand absolute of Righteousness and sin
To a disbelief in the existence of “right” and “wrong”
To today’s belief in Love.

From Yesterday
To Today
From what was
To what is and what will be.

- 5 -

This is my Lifesong,
The statement of my philosophy,
The encapsulation of my experiences.

Lyricism and profundity
Materialize not only in intellect
But in nostalgia, reminiscence, and mundanity.

Egoism of Baseball

"Baseball is great partially because it's the only sport where, on the field, every single player can be completely greedy and do what maximizes his personal value on every single play and it's still to the team's best interest. Every other sport is a zero-sum game, where every shot you take is one your teammate doesn't. In baseball every hit you get provides another opportunity. There's no clock besides individual failure. If Ayn Rand and Adam Smith fucked, she'd give birth to a baseball."
-from Playboy

Heaven Forbid

I had a couple of serious relationships in high school. I've dated a few girls here at college. I've had my share of experiences. I continue to meet new girls, talk to them, pursue them. Some work out briefly. Most never become anything at all.

Every one of my roommates is in a serious relationship. My best friend is in a serious relationship. Almost every single one of my friends and even acquaintances are in relationships. Most of them run their course within a few months. Some hang on for a couple of years. They all end.

My parents have been married for twenty-four years. My grandparents have been married for almost sixty years.

I haven't had a real, sane relationship for about three and a half years now. I haven't felt that special something for that special someone since that relationship. The more time that passes, the more that I ask girls on dates, go out of my way to talk to girls, and generally just play the game. And the more time that passes, the less hope that I have that any of them will ever become anything at all.

The more time that passes, the more terrified I am that I am going to end up alone.

Sure, I'll have a job. Sure, I'll have my family. Sure, I'll have coworkers. And sure, I'll have Annalisa. But the more time that passes, the more that I think I'm going to need to get used to that. The more I think that this is as good as it gets.


Don't get me wrong, I am happy where I am in life. I'm enjoying my major, looking forward to declaring a new one in the fall. I'm enjoying my fraternity slightly more. I continue to discover out-of-this-world music from the past forty to fifty years. I continue to broaden my mind through literature.

But I'm still lonely.

Absolutely every single one of my friends is in a relationship. And I'm lonely.

The more that I see couples, the more that I pursue girls, the more that I develop as an individual, the more that I believe I will end up alone.

Please don't misinterpret this as some call for help or pity. That is grossly far from the objective herein. This is an exposition of my current thoughts, after watching "The Last Kiss."

As the Fray so eloquently puts it:

"It's on your face, is it on your mind.
Would you care to build a house of your own?
How much longer, how long can you wait?
It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and you don't know why.
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright."

I'm tired of waiting for tomorrow...

[untitled] - Chapter Seven

This is an excerpt from my first novella.

* * * * *

I’m seven years old. I’m sitting in Dodger Stadium with my dad. I’m watching baseball, eating a hot dog, and learning life lessons. Sitting there, in those orange plastic seats, I have no idea that these lessons, Dad’s recitations that were already ingrained in my memory, will come to shape who I become am as a person, and ultimately help me through the toughest times of my life.
“What’s the Number One Rule, son?”
“Be a good person.”
“That’s right. Now, watch the game.”
Anytime I thank him, he responds the same way: “That’s my job.”
I learn more about life between those innings than any textbook or professor could begin to teach. I learn how to follow the Number One Rule. I learn what being a good father is all about. I learn that being a good husband means bringing home stadium popcorn, feigning a good mood with your wife even if your team loses, and understanding her lack of enthusiasm for the greatest game in the world. I learn that your dad is your best friend. I learn that believing in something bigger than yourself, like a baseball team, is good for the soul. I learn that sometimes it’s good to care about something you have no control over whatsoever. I learn that taking risks pays off. I learn that even if you fail seven out of ten times, you can still be a success. I learn that through it all, Dad will always be there.
The most important thing I learn within the confines of Chavez Ravine is something I tell myself every day: “If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.”
Never have I felt the power of that lesson more than now. And never has it been harder to accept.
I’m anxiously awaiting the start of the new season, hoping for more insight.

Shore Dreams

Thoughts all fraught with anxiety
And I feel like I am lost.
I don't know how to stand
in this world of turns.

These thoughts all slip behind me
I cover them with visions of
what might come tomorrow.

I know where I want to go
But I see no path to get there.

Society sits beside me
And it blocks my feet from driving
anywhere but farther into the sand.

The sand is soft and it could comfort.
But it's the island that I want.
My eyes are set straight out there -
Never to diverge.

I'll find a way,
I will make a path.

My Five

If you had to make a CD with only five songs on it, and it was all you could listen to for the rest of your life, what would those five songs be?

1. "I Am A Rock" -Simon & Garfunkel
2. "Winter" -The Rolling Stones
3. "Father and Son" -Cat Stevens
4. "Eleanor Rigby" -David Cook
5. "Let It Be" -The Beatles

Those are my five. What would your five be?

Father and Son

It's not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I am happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It's always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.

* * *

I've never heard someone else speaking to me through another medium, as much as I hear my Father speaking to me through that song. I was sitting here thinking of the moments in my life when I truly feel Alive. Those moments when I'm having a conversation with someone else about music, about literature, about society, about Love, about intellect, about life. This inevitably led me to realize what a small percentage of my life those moments constitute. I absolutely hate those other moments. Particularly because I have lately been feeling more and more that not only am I not using those moments to Live, but those moments are detracting from Living. It's not just that those moments are not spent Living; it's that those moments are spent Not Living. For every step I'm taking in Life, I'm taking three in this Non-Life.

Just when these thoughts were consuming me, the song "Father and Son" came on the Cat Stevens record I'm listening to. I could feel my Dad telling me that he was once like I am now; that he knows that it's not easy. I hear him telling me to take it easy; just relax. He says "Look at me, I am old, but I am happy." I still can't believe that my Dad has maneuvered through the obstacles, and steered his life to end up where he is today: in a beautiful house, with a wife who loves him more than life, with a bunch of animals that think he's a god. Then I remember the son he has, and realize that all things come with a price.

But all of the moments of Non-Life, all the moments spent studying Calculus, paying taxes, working retail, and taking out the trash, are worth the moments of Living, no matter how few and far between.

Time to Pretend

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

* * *

I have a five-page paper to write for English, a huge Physics assignment to do, and a midterm in Circuit Analysis tomorrow at 9AM. So, needless to say, my mind is anywhere but in those subjects. So I figured I'd spill a few thoughts that popped into my mind while sitting downtown with Kelsey this afternoon.

We were sitting outside of Pizza Solo and there was a homeless lady sitting on a bench across the way talking to everyone that passed by. I'm fascinated by the fact that clearly the stories of our two lives are drastically different, yet they both put us in the exact same place at the exact same time. I also find myself questioning the validity of the judgment of insanity that is so nonchalantly passed on such people. Why are people so quick to believe that something is wrong with her mind? Why is it so easy for us to say that "clearly she has a screw loose"? What if her mind has been opened to things that we can't even imagine living within the confines of society and American culture? What if, being removed from this Capitalist machine, she has come to some revelation that has put her at ease? What if?
And why are people, by default, nervous, if not terrified, around homeless people? What are people so afraid of with this person who's wholly satisfied with subsistence? We spend our entire lives around people scrounging for every penny they can muster, desperately grappling for the next rung on the societal, economic, vocational, or social ladder, yet when we see someone just happy to get by, we freak out. Not quite logical to me...

Another tidbit that just boggles my mind, is that we come into contact with so many people every single day who lead completely separate lives, have completely separate stories from us, have a completely unique set of problems and worries. We come into contact with these people every single day, yet with never a care to their stories or problems. We're quick to call that guy that cut us off on the freeway an asshole, but have you ever wondered where he's rushing to? Have you ever wondered if there's some incredible story behind where someone got the shirt, watch, or shoes that they're wearing? I'm just fascinated that we come into such close contact and involvement with so many people, yet are completely oblivious as to their stories, situations, and lives, in general.

Another thing that's been on my mind of late, is the whole concept of "having" to do something. Day in, day out, people talk about how they "have to do this" and they "have to do that." Since when was individual choice taken out of any single occurrence? When did this biotechnological leap occur in which someone could enter your mind and force you to do something? YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. Absolutely every single thing that you say and do is a personal choice on your part. No matter how much control you feel that you have over the matter, you make the mental decision to carry out the action, to speak those words. So never for a moment, think that you have ever done anything outside of your own volition.

You always have a choice. Indeed, that's all you ever have. Every action, every word, every instant, is a choice. Your life, your self, is the culmination of your decisions.

My Past, My Path

The whole concept of not only bringing another human being into this entropic world, but guiding them through their development and, indeed, choosing the paths that they take on their way to their place in the societal sphere, is one that I have given a lot of thought to. In doing so, I inevitably end up looking back over my own childhood, and how I was led through it. No matter the event, no matter the decision, there will always be "what if"s and "I wonder"s. But I really don't think that I could have possibly had a better upbringing in any aspect.

The first 13 years of my life instilled in me a deep moral code, founded ultimately on a Christian foundation. I attended a private Lutheran school from preschool through eighth grade that only had 200 kids in the entire school. In those ten years of schooling, I got straight A's in every single class (except one B+ in Fourth Grade). I had about as many friends as I did B+'s. I was very sheltered. Many people would pity that; I love it. Rather than exploring social situations and all of the exciting hot spots around Oxnard (i.e. polluted beaches and strawberry fields that aren't forever), I explored the infinite depths of my mind. This was when my incessant, intense critique and analysis of absolutely everything I encountered began. (It's only gotten "worse.")

Throughout those ten years, I was also unceasingly ridiculed, for everything from being smart, to being a teacher's pet; from having a huge noggin, to being two feet shorter than everyone else in my class. Again, I love that this happened. This was the origin of my strife for complete independence (which got a bit out of hand in my Objectivist phase, but that's beside the point, kind of). And when I say independence, I mean it in every sense, but especially in the sense of making decisions truly apart from the concern of any others and any others' opinions.

From that cloistered environment, I moved on to a 3,500 person public high school. It was a bit of an adjustment. I still credit it as the beginning of my experimenting. Social experimentation, spiritual experimentation, scholastic experimentation, literary experimentation, etc. Essentially, I refuse to take anything at face value. Tell me, and I won't listen. Show me, and I'll understand. This experimentation began with having non-Christian friends, and has progressed to wholly embracing and enacting new life visions and philosophies. Today, I do maintain reason and judgment, but there is not much that I would refuse to try at least once. I want to know, analyze, and evaluate absolutely everything for myself. I believe that this passion runs so much stronger in myself than others mostly because of my extremely limited scope of the world for the first 13 years of my life. As soon as I realized that my scope was limited, I have endeavored to do all I can to ensure that my judgment, experiences, and, indeed, my very thoughts are not limited from any thing in any way. I am still seeking to broach the limits of some aspects.

In summation, I believe that my upbringing gave me the most unique and advantageous of standpoints in life. The first half(-ish) began my inner contemplations and drive for individuality and independence. The second half has allowed me to contemplate all and establish that individuality and independence in whatever way I see fit.

Every bit of this upbringing, which I have here praised, I credit to no one but my parents. They have sacrificed more than I could ever know. They instilled a sense of right and wrong in me early on. They continue to support my experimentation throughout this world. They have led me to where I am today, and I quite like where I'm standing right now.

So, Mom and Dad: Thanks.

The Death of Andrew Carrillo

So many books left to experience
So many thoughts left to share
So many people left to connect with
So many moments.

The moments when you feel the connection
The moments when you know Love
The moments when you are an Island
The moments when you jump ship.

Life is where you swim.
To friends, mindsets, or baseball
To literature, music, or film
To a stranger
To Mom
To You.

Life is driving
Windows down, music up
Heading into unknown.

Turn your eyes from the horizon
Stray from the shoulders of others.

Don't slow down
Don't speed up.
There is no destination.
Life is on the road.