Walking Alongside the Curb...

...trying to keep more than just my feet in line. The brisk night air cuts like knives through my brown cotton shirt, letting me know I'm alive. Looking down, the curb has disappeared. I turn my eyes to the stars. With an empty hand, no one at my side, the shooting star is nothing but a memory, a hapchance, a line in a journal. Smoke trails off from the cathartic red light tip. Inside, I'm sure my phone is ringing - and I'm glad I left it behind. Out here my mind is as clear as the twilit sky. Inside lie the questions of classes, careers, years down the road; money, parents, and roommates; food, hygiene, and clutter; more questions every day, with still naught for answers. Out here it's one step at a time. Tomorrow will come in its course. For now I handle today. Tomorrow is a degree and a career. Today is one homework assignment.
Again with skyward eyes, I don't stress or worry about when each and every star will streak across the sky, what path it will take, or what will happen when all have fallen; I watch tonight's shooting star, tracing its path. I know it's gone, and I prepare for the next, amidst glances at all the other wonderous specks of the Milky Way.
Opening the door, I bring my starlit lesson inside. Tonight I don't worry about a career, graduation, or next quarter. I focus and complete my assignment, one problem - and one cup of tea - at a time.
Tomorrow will come in its course. Today I take one step at a time.

Back in the U.S.A.

I finally arrived by in San Luis Obispo last night, after visiting Oxnard, London, Windsor, Hampton Court, Oxford, Cambridge, Stonehenge, Bath, Paris, Rome, Florence, Pisa, Venice, Kentucky, and Las Vegas. It really was great to see everyone again last night; it was a blast. But I'm definitely longing for my traveling days already. Only three days removed, and I'm already missing them.
But I am looking forward to my next trip. I really want to visit Spain, Portugal, Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Victoria Falls, and Australia. There's also several cities in America I want to see now: Seattle, New York City, Chicago, Boston, San Francisco. So it's slightly uplifting to sort of mentally plan for those.

I just made myself a cup of tea. Just the aroma of it calms me - and reminds me of London.

As sad as I am to be back in America, this has been the summer of a lifetime. First to be able to live in England, take classes, and truly experience British culture in the city of London. Then to visit a country I never really desired to travel to - France - and love it! Then to backpack around Italy - a country I've dreamt of visiting my entire life - by myself! That was incredible; I cannot believe how much I learned about myself and matured just in those ten days alone. Then visiting my grandparents in Kentucky. Then having another family vacation - the first one in three years? - to Las Vegas. Pushing my dad around Vegas in a wheelchair was an experience in and of itself! The second day we were there, we saw The Beatles LOVE Cirque du Soleil show - absolutely, single-handedly, the greatest, most amazing, awe-inspriring show that I have EVER seen. Between London and Vegas, I saw twenty shows this summer, and that was by far the best. It was incredible. Last time my parents and I went to Vegas, we saw Phantom, which was amazing, and Blue Man Group, which was cool but not nearly as good. This time we saw LOVE, which was amazing, and Phantom again, which was still cool but not nearly as good. So I guess we'll have to go back to see LOVE again but precede it with some new amazing show, but I seriously doubt that ANY show could overshadow that.

So -- this summer has been epic. And I am quite down to have arrived at its conclusion. However, I'm going to try and see it not as a conclusion, but as a culmination. I've traveled the world, experienced new and different cultures, and seen things that people spend their lives dreaming of. Now it's time to digest all of it, glean what I can from it, forever cherish and remember it, and look to the future. Buckle down now for another round of classes; get the business done today so that tomorrow I can plan for what I want, where I want to go.
Today I will continue focusing on making myself into the person that I want to be, to make the best of the situation that I am in. Tomorrow I will revisit Europe. Who knows - perhaps relocate. No one knows what tomorrow shall bring.

Streetside Profundity

I haven't been writing much because I have been utterly consumed by the awe and wonder embodied amongst the streets of this great city. But I feel it's about time to try to put words, though inevitably inadequate, to this great, life-changing experience of mine.
Rather than starting at the beginning, I'll start with today - the Tower of London. Originally conceived of in 1066, it still inspires pride and fear in all who gaze upon it. Many monuments around the world fail to meet the expectations and reputation they gather; it is utterly impossible for me to convey even a fraction of the incredulity inherent upon encountering the Tower. The Tower of London began as a single tower - the White Tower - defended by a pair of defensive walls. Today - it consists of twenty different towers, the most famous of which is, of course, the Bloody Tower. More than 1500 headless corpses have been uncovered there. I could go on and on about the public and private execution grounds, the Tower Green, the Traitor's Gate, the archway where King Henry VIII proposed to Anne Boleyn, and the thirty-five resident Yeoman Warders, but I shall refrain.
Also scattered about the grounds of the Tower, are remnants of the wall which once surrounded the Roman colony of Londinium, some 2000 years ago. Walking around, touching the 2000-year-old Roman walls, the 1000-year-old White Tower and South Wall along the banks of the Thames, the emotions are wholly overwhelming. You can truly feel the history all around you.

I will attempt to archive some more of my amazing experiences thusfar later this evening...

Dilemma / Conundrum

It's quite appropriate that I could not even decide on a title for this post. I'm sitting at my MacBook; I'm supposed to be writing my final paper for English 253. And I just have too many multitudes of thoughts swirling around in my overly-analytical mind to get anywhere beyond the opening line. From Paul Simon's newest album, to Rascal Flatts in iTunes; from the approach of summer, to wistful longings for a moment just out of reach; from the book I'm in the middle of, to all the new books I just got...there is just altogether too much swirling around right now to focus on any single thing.
This is the kind of day that I would lounge around, listen to part of Surprise (Paul Simon's latest), go read a few chapter of Ender's Game (the book I'm currently engrossed in) in the backyard, ride my cruiser down to BK for a Double Stacker, hop on Facebook for a bit, call the parentals to say "hello," do my laundry, catalog my new books and LPs, and throw on MirrorMask (a Neil Gaiman fantasy flick). All on this gorgeous day in sunny SLO-town.
Instead, I'm forced to stare at this daunting, flickering cursor for hours on end, scouring Heart of Darkness and Apocalypse Now for some connection, all to no avail. All to result in nothing but more extreme pensiveness, contemplation, and inner turmoil than I started with, because of the lack of outlet for any one of these desires or thoughts.
I'm writing this in the hope that by the time that I'm through, at least vocalizing (or blogging) all of these mental conundrums and dilemmas will calm the demons currently consuming my mind, body, and soul.
How appropriate: a fly is buzzing around my head distracting me from this post about distraction from my paper about renegades on the loose, not listening to any sort of authority.
I'm having more and more trouble balancing what I want today against what I want tomorrow.
Today, I want to listen to my vinyls, read my books, and converse with those closest to me. Tomorrow, I want a good GPA.
Today, I want to lounge around and relax. Tomorrow, I want to have accomplished something.

Despite the continued lack of outlet, my demons are at least somewhat suppressed, at the moment.

And the fly returns...

The Choice

The vinyl spins as the neurons fire.
The choice on the table: to keep moseying along the melancholy path to becoming a fully functioning cog in the societal machine, or to turn and sprint down the ever-exhilarating path of Life. Towards a Life spent in Love. A Life spent discussing literature. A Life spent experiencing music. A Life spent savoring the eternal moment, the eternity of the moment.
Or a life spent behind the masquerade of cog turning. A cycle of doing whatever it takes to get that promotion. A cycle of waiting to see who gets voted off the island next. A cycle of always needing more. A cycle of never enough. A cycle going around and around and around. A cycle of the same shit day in, day out. A cycle focused on emptiness.
That’s the choice on the table. That’s the crossroads that I’m standing at.
Welcome to my days, my dilemmas, my decisions.
Amid this choice, the table is cluttered with a physics textbook, a Mac Book, three notebooks, required readings for English 253, and a red Gatorade.
Amid this choice, my mind is cluttered with subsistence, grades, romance, and roommates.

Lifesong

Prologue

Settling in,
I’m remembering the norm
I’m returning to the state
I’ve made for myself.

A state formed from years of trial and error.
From Objectivism to loneliness,
From Christianity to cloister,
From Love to letdown,
I’ve formed a new place
I’ve found my new niche.

From the Bible to textbooks to literature,
From Lutheran to public to state,
From Sunday School to band to society,
From insecurity to arrogance, (I’ve found no difference)
I’ve settled into confidence.

With this confidence,
I steady my pen,
And spill all.

- 1 -

To strive for the highest
In myself and all I do
To love others and nurture
The bond we all share.

To myself remain true
To others remain caring
To always seek knowledge
And treasure the profound.

To appreciate art
In all of its forms
To savor every moment
In knowledge of yesterday and hope of tomorrow.

To persevere in personal endeavors
And never say no to the opportunity at hand.

To keep reason in my heart
And bar no holds
To keep love on my mind
With unending hope.

To always, forever,
Continue this song,
My Lifesong.

- 2 -

From seeking acceptance and friendship
To desperately wanting to not need it
To being happy right where I am.

From CDs to homework
To smoking and drinking
I’ve always offered something
For a second of imitated friendship.
I now look for nothing
But conversation and intellect.

The rejection of face-value
The refusal of second-handed opinions
Present to me the object
Give me the experience
And for myself I shall develop
My own conclusive thoughts.
If we agree, then dandy.
If not, then deal.

- 3 -

From Fogerty to Smash Mouth
Blink-182 to Dashboard
New Found Glory and the Ataris
I now lyricize through
Cat Stevens and Paul Simon.
Journey had a glimmer on this musical sojourn
Shining with Rise Against
Fading with Foreigner.

- 4 -

From a truth-or-dare first kiss
To the yet undone revocation of a mistake
To today’s eventual relaxation.

From a second-hand absolute of Righteousness and sin
To a disbelief in the existence of “right” and “wrong”
To today’s belief in Love.

From Yesterday
To Today
From what was
To what is and what will be.

- 5 -

This is my Lifesong,
The statement of my philosophy,
The encapsulation of my experiences.

Lyricism and profundity
Materialize not only in intellect
But in nostalgia, reminiscence, and mundanity.

Egoism of Baseball

"Baseball is great partially because it's the only sport where, on the field, every single player can be completely greedy and do what maximizes his personal value on every single play and it's still to the team's best interest. Every other sport is a zero-sum game, where every shot you take is one your teammate doesn't. In baseball every hit you get provides another opportunity. There's no clock besides individual failure. If Ayn Rand and Adam Smith fucked, she'd give birth to a baseball."
-from Playboy

Heaven Forbid

I had a couple of serious relationships in high school. I've dated a few girls here at college. I've had my share of experiences. I continue to meet new girls, talk to them, pursue them. Some work out briefly. Most never become anything at all.

Every one of my roommates is in a serious relationship. My best friend is in a serious relationship. Almost every single one of my friends and even acquaintances are in relationships. Most of them run their course within a few months. Some hang on for a couple of years. They all end.

My parents have been married for twenty-four years. My grandparents have been married for almost sixty years.

I haven't had a real, sane relationship for about three and a half years now. I haven't felt that special something for that special someone since that relationship. The more time that passes, the more that I ask girls on dates, go out of my way to talk to girls, and generally just play the game. And the more time that passes, the less hope that I have that any of them will ever become anything at all.

The more time that passes, the more terrified I am that I am going to end up alone.

Sure, I'll have a job. Sure, I'll have my family. Sure, I'll have coworkers. And sure, I'll have Annalisa. But the more time that passes, the more that I think I'm going to need to get used to that. The more I think that this is as good as it gets.


Don't get me wrong, I am happy where I am in life. I'm enjoying my major, looking forward to declaring a new one in the fall. I'm enjoying my fraternity slightly more. I continue to discover out-of-this-world music from the past forty to fifty years. I continue to broaden my mind through literature.

But I'm still lonely.

Absolutely every single one of my friends is in a relationship. And I'm lonely.

The more that I see couples, the more that I pursue girls, the more that I develop as an individual, the more that I believe I will end up alone.

Please don't misinterpret this as some call for help or pity. That is grossly far from the objective herein. This is an exposition of my current thoughts, after watching "The Last Kiss."

As the Fray so eloquently puts it:

"It's on your face, is it on your mind.
Would you care to build a house of your own?
How much longer, how long can you wait?
It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away.

Heaven forbid you end up alone and you don't know why.
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright."

I'm tired of waiting for tomorrow...

[untitled] - Chapter Seven

This is an excerpt from my first novella.

* * * * *

I’m seven years old. I’m sitting in Dodger Stadium with my dad. I’m watching baseball, eating a hot dog, and learning life lessons. Sitting there, in those orange plastic seats, I have no idea that these lessons, Dad’s recitations that were already ingrained in my memory, will come to shape who I become am as a person, and ultimately help me through the toughest times of my life.
“What’s the Number One Rule, son?”
“Be a good person.”
“That’s right. Now, watch the game.”
Anytime I thank him, he responds the same way: “That’s my job.”
I learn more about life between those innings than any textbook or professor could begin to teach. I learn how to follow the Number One Rule. I learn what being a good father is all about. I learn that being a good husband means bringing home stadium popcorn, feigning a good mood with your wife even if your team loses, and understanding her lack of enthusiasm for the greatest game in the world. I learn that your dad is your best friend. I learn that believing in something bigger than yourself, like a baseball team, is good for the soul. I learn that sometimes it’s good to care about something you have no control over whatsoever. I learn that taking risks pays off. I learn that even if you fail seven out of ten times, you can still be a success. I learn that through it all, Dad will always be there.
The most important thing I learn within the confines of Chavez Ravine is something I tell myself every day: “If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.”
Never have I felt the power of that lesson more than now. And never has it been harder to accept.
I’m anxiously awaiting the start of the new season, hoping for more insight.

Shore Dreams

Thoughts all fraught with anxiety
And I feel like I am lost.
I don't know how to stand
in this world of turns.

These thoughts all slip behind me
I cover them with visions of
what might come tomorrow.

I know where I want to go
But I see no path to get there.

Society sits beside me
And it blocks my feet from driving
anywhere but farther into the sand.

The sand is soft and it could comfort.
But it's the island that I want.
My eyes are set straight out there -
Never to diverge.

I'll find a way,
I will make a path.

My Five

If you had to make a CD with only five songs on it, and it was all you could listen to for the rest of your life, what would those five songs be?

1. "I Am A Rock" -Simon & Garfunkel
2. "Winter" -The Rolling Stones
3. "Father and Son" -Cat Stevens
4. "Eleanor Rigby" -David Cook
5. "Let It Be" -The Beatles

Those are my five. What would your five be?

Father and Son

It's not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to know.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I am happy.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It's always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.

* * *

I've never heard someone else speaking to me through another medium, as much as I hear my Father speaking to me through that song. I was sitting here thinking of the moments in my life when I truly feel Alive. Those moments when I'm having a conversation with someone else about music, about literature, about society, about Love, about intellect, about life. This inevitably led me to realize what a small percentage of my life those moments constitute. I absolutely hate those other moments. Particularly because I have lately been feeling more and more that not only am I not using those moments to Live, but those moments are detracting from Living. It's not just that those moments are not spent Living; it's that those moments are spent Not Living. For every step I'm taking in Life, I'm taking three in this Non-Life.

Just when these thoughts were consuming me, the song "Father and Son" came on the Cat Stevens record I'm listening to. I could feel my Dad telling me that he was once like I am now; that he knows that it's not easy. I hear him telling me to take it easy; just relax. He says "Look at me, I am old, but I am happy." I still can't believe that my Dad has maneuvered through the obstacles, and steered his life to end up where he is today: in a beautiful house, with a wife who loves him more than life, with a bunch of animals that think he's a god. Then I remember the son he has, and realize that all things come with a price.

But all of the moments of Non-Life, all the moments spent studying Calculus, paying taxes, working retail, and taking out the trash, are worth the moments of Living, no matter how few and far between.

Time to Pretend

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

* * *

I have a five-page paper to write for English, a huge Physics assignment to do, and a midterm in Circuit Analysis tomorrow at 9AM. So, needless to say, my mind is anywhere but in those subjects. So I figured I'd spill a few thoughts that popped into my mind while sitting downtown with Kelsey this afternoon.

We were sitting outside of Pizza Solo and there was a homeless lady sitting on a bench across the way talking to everyone that passed by. I'm fascinated by the fact that clearly the stories of our two lives are drastically different, yet they both put us in the exact same place at the exact same time. I also find myself questioning the validity of the judgment of insanity that is so nonchalantly passed on such people. Why are people so quick to believe that something is wrong with her mind? Why is it so easy for us to say that "clearly she has a screw loose"? What if her mind has been opened to things that we can't even imagine living within the confines of society and American culture? What if, being removed from this Capitalist machine, she has come to some revelation that has put her at ease? What if?
And why are people, by default, nervous, if not terrified, around homeless people? What are people so afraid of with this person who's wholly satisfied with subsistence? We spend our entire lives around people scrounging for every penny they can muster, desperately grappling for the next rung on the societal, economic, vocational, or social ladder, yet when we see someone just happy to get by, we freak out. Not quite logical to me...

Another tidbit that just boggles my mind, is that we come into contact with so many people every single day who lead completely separate lives, have completely separate stories from us, have a completely unique set of problems and worries. We come into contact with these people every single day, yet with never a care to their stories or problems. We're quick to call that guy that cut us off on the freeway an asshole, but have you ever wondered where he's rushing to? Have you ever wondered if there's some incredible story behind where someone got the shirt, watch, or shoes that they're wearing? I'm just fascinated that we come into such close contact and involvement with so many people, yet are completely oblivious as to their stories, situations, and lives, in general.

Another thing that's been on my mind of late, is the whole concept of "having" to do something. Day in, day out, people talk about how they "have to do this" and they "have to do that." Since when was individual choice taken out of any single occurrence? When did this biotechnological leap occur in which someone could enter your mind and force you to do something? YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. Absolutely every single thing that you say and do is a personal choice on your part. No matter how much control you feel that you have over the matter, you make the mental decision to carry out the action, to speak those words. So never for a moment, think that you have ever done anything outside of your own volition.

You always have a choice. Indeed, that's all you ever have. Every action, every word, every instant, is a choice. Your life, your self, is the culmination of your decisions.

My Past, My Path

The whole concept of not only bringing another human being into this entropic world, but guiding them through their development and, indeed, choosing the paths that they take on their way to their place in the societal sphere, is one that I have given a lot of thought to. In doing so, I inevitably end up looking back over my own childhood, and how I was led through it. No matter the event, no matter the decision, there will always be "what if"s and "I wonder"s. But I really don't think that I could have possibly had a better upbringing in any aspect.

The first 13 years of my life instilled in me a deep moral code, founded ultimately on a Christian foundation. I attended a private Lutheran school from preschool through eighth grade that only had 200 kids in the entire school. In those ten years of schooling, I got straight A's in every single class (except one B+ in Fourth Grade). I had about as many friends as I did B+'s. I was very sheltered. Many people would pity that; I love it. Rather than exploring social situations and all of the exciting hot spots around Oxnard (i.e. polluted beaches and strawberry fields that aren't forever), I explored the infinite depths of my mind. This was when my incessant, intense critique and analysis of absolutely everything I encountered began. (It's only gotten "worse.")

Throughout those ten years, I was also unceasingly ridiculed, for everything from being smart, to being a teacher's pet; from having a huge noggin, to being two feet shorter than everyone else in my class. Again, I love that this happened. This was the origin of my strife for complete independence (which got a bit out of hand in my Objectivist phase, but that's beside the point, kind of). And when I say independence, I mean it in every sense, but especially in the sense of making decisions truly apart from the concern of any others and any others' opinions.

From that cloistered environment, I moved on to a 3,500 person public high school. It was a bit of an adjustment. I still credit it as the beginning of my experimenting. Social experimentation, spiritual experimentation, scholastic experimentation, literary experimentation, etc. Essentially, I refuse to take anything at face value. Tell me, and I won't listen. Show me, and I'll understand. This experimentation began with having non-Christian friends, and has progressed to wholly embracing and enacting new life visions and philosophies. Today, I do maintain reason and judgment, but there is not much that I would refuse to try at least once. I want to know, analyze, and evaluate absolutely everything for myself. I believe that this passion runs so much stronger in myself than others mostly because of my extremely limited scope of the world for the first 13 years of my life. As soon as I realized that my scope was limited, I have endeavored to do all I can to ensure that my judgment, experiences, and, indeed, my very thoughts are not limited from any thing in any way. I am still seeking to broach the limits of some aspects.

In summation, I believe that my upbringing gave me the most unique and advantageous of standpoints in life. The first half(-ish) began my inner contemplations and drive for individuality and independence. The second half has allowed me to contemplate all and establish that individuality and independence in whatever way I see fit.

Every bit of this upbringing, which I have here praised, I credit to no one but my parents. They have sacrificed more than I could ever know. They instilled a sense of right and wrong in me early on. They continue to support my experimentation throughout this world. They have led me to where I am today, and I quite like where I'm standing right now.

So, Mom and Dad: Thanks.

The Death of Andrew Carrillo

So many books left to experience
So many thoughts left to share
So many people left to connect with
So many moments.

The moments when you feel the connection
The moments when you know Love
The moments when you are an Island
The moments when you jump ship.

Life is where you swim.
To friends, mindsets, or baseball
To literature, music, or film
To a stranger
To Mom
To You.

Life is driving
Windows down, music up
Heading into unknown.

Turn your eyes from the horizon
Stray from the shoulders of others.

Don't slow down
Don't speed up.
There is no destination.
Life is on the road.

Recently Applicable Quotations

I've run across (and here compiled) a few lines which feel especially relevant to my current situation and philosophy, in various respects. Enjoy.

"I had as well be killed running as die standing." -Frederick Douglass

"I think I'm afraid to be happy. Whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens." -Charlie Brown

"We're all addicted to something." -Tilda Swinton in Thumbsucker

"Don't fool yourself into thinking you've got the answer. The trick is living without an answer." -Keanu Reaves in Thumbsucker

Looking for America

I just got Bookends in the mail. Sitting here, listening to it, three things come to mind: the genius of Paul Simon, the oddity of Art Garfunkel, and the novelty of vinyl.

There is something about Paul Simon's lyrical genius, that speaks to me like no other music ever has, nor, I believe, like any other music can. After even the roughest of days, come home, close the door, turn out the lights, and listen to Sounds of Silence from beginning to end. When the last chord of "I Am A Rock" fades away, knowing that "an island never cries," I dare you to say that the world is not an inherently good place. I dare you to think that whatever you're going through, cannot be gotten through. I dare you to not be calm, serene, and hopeful.
I dare you.

The line between genius and insanity is often thin, blurred, and some times, if not most, all but nonexistent. But if there was ever an individual to ride the line between profundity and mere oddity, that individual is Art Garfunkel. Many would readily state that Garfunkel has ridden and continues to ride on Paul Simon's coattails of brilliance; however, he has had some solo adventures. Take for example, while I'm listening to Bookends, "Voices of Old People." The album cover states that "Art Garfunkel recorded old people in various locations in New York and Los Angeles over a period of several months." Now let's think... Hm...I want to find some people, get some interesting words of wisdom out of them, and record those words. What sorts of people should I talk to? Philosophers? Nah... Homeless people? No, thanks... Musicians? Nope... Authors? Literally, no... I've got it! Let's record bits of vocal mumbo jumbo from fogies which border on senility! That's it! But we'll edit out the babble and just get those words of wisdom. On second thought, let's do the opposite! Who needs words of wisdom? Wisdom is in the babble.
Ok, I exaggerate. But when I saw the track, I had hopes. But, Art, I was disappointed. There are snippets of wisdom in there, but they are short.

In this, the Age of the iPod, we can be serenaded by whatever high school dropouts have uploaded their angst-filled tunes. Not only that, but you can be plugged in while exercising, studying, driving, sitting in a lecture, or conversing with another.
When did music become a background occupier? When did music become something you do while you're doing something else? A second thought? Something to drive out the silence? Something to keep our goldfish-esque attention spans occupied?
When is the last time you sat down and listened to music? I'm not talking about going to a concert. And I'm not even talking about the last time you had music playing without doing anything else. I'm asking you when the last time was that you sat down, and the sole occupant of your mind at that time, was the music. You sit back, close your eyes, and let the chords, verses, melodies, and choruses coarse through you. Flow around your heart. Surge through your mind. Fill your emotions. Guide your thoughts.
That is when you stop listening to music, and begin experiencing music.

I'm willing to bet two things. First, that if you've ever truly done that, it's been quite awhile. Second, it was with an LP.

Vinyl is the only way, outside of live performances, to experience music.

What are you going to do?

I absolutely despise when people say, regarding my major, or whatever "Oh, what are you gonna do with that?" Why does it have to be about what I'm going to do? Why must every moment always be spent desperately deciphering the next? Why can't this moment be solely for its own sake?

Let it be.

What if, rather than what I'm going to do, it's about who I'm going to become in the process? For the enjoyment not only of what I'm going to learn, but for the enjoyment of the act of learning it. Discussing it. Ceaselessly stretching my mind in new ways.

Sure, it's "necessary" to have a path and some idea of where you're going in life. But it is not about what you do. As Max says in Across the Universe, "Who you are defines what you do."

What if I choose classes based not on my career, but on those classes themselves?

What if I actually devote this moment to its own cause?

What would the world be like if people stopped incessantly looking to the future, and lived for today?

Imagine.

Just a Few Quotes

These are just a few of my favorite lines and quotes from various songs, movies, and elsewhere.


"Wear the old coat, and buy the new book." -Austin Phelps

"No matter what they tell you, you don't have to stay in the lines." -Natalie Portman in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool." -Philip Seymour Hoffman in Almost Famous

"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for awhile." -Ellen Page in Juno

"I just like being a piece of furniture in your weird life." -Ellen Page in Juno

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

"In a pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish."

"I'm not the next of them. I am the first of me."

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."

"Some people are like slinkys. They're not really good for anything, but you still can't help but laugh when you see one tumble down the stairs."

"For a long time is seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.
At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
Happiness is a Journey, not a destination." -Alfred D'Souza

"Welcome to the grand illusion
Come on in and see what's happening
Pay the price, get your tickets for the show
The stage is set, the band starts playing
Suddenly your heart is pounding
Wishing secretly you were a star.
But don't be fooled by the radio, the tv or the magazines
They show you photographs of how your life should be
But they're just someone else's fantasy
So if you think your life is complete confusion
Because you never win the game
Just remember that it's a grand illusion
And deep inside we're all the same."
-from "The Grand Illusion" by: Styx